Matt Adcock’s film review: Piranha 3DD

One, two, three four five, once I caught a fish alive.

Tuesday, 15th May 2012, 4:50 am

Six, seven, eight nine ten, then I ARRRGggghhhh the little fish is biting me!

If you ventured to see Piranha 3D, the recent remake of Joe Dante’s 1978 horror comedy, then you’ll probably recall that the mean little fishes attacked loads of good looking bathers on a spring break at Lake Victoria.

Now it seems that the toothy menace have swarmed through underground lakes and pipes to arrive at a tacky water park called The Big Wet where bathing suits are optional...

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Cue more bloodthirsty piranha on human munchings – all, once more, in rather pointless 3D.

Say what you like about Piranha 3D but it was a well-made and generally fun horror chomp-em-up which boasted a great cast and a highly gratuitous naked cameo from Kelly Brook.

It also inspired a half decent knock off in the shape of Shark Night 3D, which was basically Jaws in the Everglades.

Piranha 3DD isn’t blessed with anything like the budget of the last film and it really shows.

There are copious ‘filler’ shots of murky underwater weeds gently wafting in the undercurrent which really weaken the overall experience and don’t even serve to highlight the limited horror action, which seems much reduced in comparison with the film it follows.

Director John Gulager was responsible for the cult horror classic Feast but he’s all at sea with this sequel, which is cheap, nasty and fails to satisfy.

The best thing about Piranha 3DD is a well-judged cameo by David Hasselhoff who plays himself and gets the best lines including the worryingly accurate: ‘Welcome to rock bottom!’ which could, on reflection, have been an accurate ad-lib on behalf of all the cast and crew, as well as the paying punters.

The slight plot sees the build up to the low rent fish attack on the water park as an excuse to shoehorn in some sporadic strong bloody horror violence and gore, graphic nudity, sexual content, bad language and drug use.

You feel sorry for the cast who include the gorgeous Katrina Bowden, not because their characters are likely to get nibbled with extreme prejudice, but because this shocker will forever be on their CVs.

Piranha 3DD is seriously tacky and is unlikely to please anyone. It simply doesn’t do enough to satisfy fans of the first film and certainly won’t win any new followers.

I can’t recommend this on any level but if you really must see it be sure to lower your expectations suitably.