Tuesday 8th July

The waiting is the worst and the lack of sleep.

The early hour gremlin wakes me at dawn and then sings to me along with the birds so no more sleep for me.

I drop off again about 6pm and then can't get out of bed at the right time!!! I really wish I hadn't put off seeing the surgeon for a week. It's the not knowing that's worse, far worse than having to go for that first appointment before I knew – if you see what I mean.

Actually if you can see what I mean please phone as I'm obviously going absolutely crazy. I must get myself outside this house! Still I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow so that makes me have to go out.

The plus side is that Laura is obviously much happier now.

I have spoken to her tutor about assignments and she is perfectly happy to let Laura concentrate on the problems we have and leave all work alone.

The letter that was sent out warning everyone about late hand ins did not actually apply to Laura (why send it then?) and the tutor that has caused so much pain and confusion this year all round is not returning and next year will be taken by a more experienced person and be far more structured.

Laura is immensely relieved and the knock on to that is so am I!!! Driving lessons have resumed with a female instructor who can actually relate to Laura – I must ask her the secret!

Spoke to Lynn from work today and somehow that made things more normal and cheered me up immensely – thanks Lynn.

Its Debbie's leaving dinner tonight but I really don't feel like going, if you're reading this Debbie I'm very sorry and I do hope you understand and I wish you a wonderful, adventurous and happy time in France. Bonne Chance!

Wednesday 9th July

Every day is different.

Last night I had awful dreams about misshapen women and woke up early feeling sick.

I can't shake the sick feeling and am in the loo every 5 mins. I seem to be running on some kind of auto pilot that has a glitch in its programme!

I keep losing things and forgetting what I'm doing (actually that might be normal for me!)

Part of me is furious about all this because up until now everything health wise has been so good, apart from the tiredness that overwhelmed me a few months ago – which I put down to age, but thinking about it perhaps it was the start of cancer – I have had no problems with anything else.

The only thing that every so often would lay me low was my back and that would only be the odd occasion.

I hardly ever succumb to bugs and other things and now I feel that my body will have to eventually undergo some kind of drug therapy with all sorts of side effects that will be most unpleasant!

I rang the clinic today as I wanted ask if there were going to be any more tests on Friday and spoke to she of the hairy chest.

We had a talk and she confirmed that nothing more than a chat would take place, although she said, he may want a feel…want a feel….. is that nurse speak for "he may wish to examine you Mrs Candy!!!?

My mind is transported back many decades to the back row of the Embassy cinema – how very dare you I think!

Back from doctors now, she was extremely nice and had already been notified by the L & D.

I explained that I seemed to be none functioning mentally and she confirmed that this was perfectly normal!

She did say that most people with a "bolt out the blue" (so they do exist!) diagnosis often find it hard to believe because they feel physically quite healthy and having had no prior warning – like discovering the lump yourself and therefore your mind gradually coming to the conclusion it might not be nice news – it is literally a shock which knocks you off kilter.

So, I'm not going mad after all!

She did say that from experience of other patients she knew that most people feel better after seeing the surgeon and that this waiting is truly the worst time.

That's something I suppose. She also said that if at any time I was left wondering or waiting without news I must see her and in the meantime issued me a little pink note for work. If only it didn't say breast carcinoma on it.!!

Thursday 10th July

I can't even get this right.

I've just discovered that I've dated my diary incorrectly – I've put it right now but it's indicative of where my head is (or isn't).

Normally I'm ultra efficient.

It wasn't even a consistent misdating and where it all came from I don't know!

I feel very pathetic now and probably at my lowest point so far in that I wanted to write this diary to keep my mind occupied and stop worrying too much and I end up miss-dating and mis-daying it.

I went round to Hils in the week because I hadn't seen anyone at all since the diagnosis and suffered chest pains – obviously anxiety. I think I'm coping ok and then realise I have no mind at all!!!!!!

I really hope this doesn't last much longer.

It's not like I'm ill, I mean as in having flu or something but I am all over the place. I really really hate it.

If I can't get myself together what chance do I have of asking sensible questions tomorrow, I'm going to make up a file and type it all into order. It has been such a long week. Laura is going away tomorrow morning for her week at Butlins.

I really hope it will be good for her in more ways than one.

Part of me is almost excited now – in a weird and perverse way – because by tomorrow afternoon I will know.

How I hate not knowing – especially when I know that some else does, if you see what I mean.

When I was pregnant the hospital asked me if I wanted to know the sex of the baby, well, obviously they knew and I couldn't bear the fact that every time they opened their file they would think – she's having a girl, but don't tell her!

Obviously I said yes, I wasn't having that and that is exactly how I feel now.

They know EXACTLY what's wrong, what they are going to do and when and I know – nothing!! I have of course been on the internet daily researching it all but that is not my own information – it's general.

Lynn has just fought the concrete jungle and brought round some flowers from work.

Thank you all so very much – they are absolutely beautiful. I would have shed a few tears but as Lynn disappeared from the end of the drive a familiar Su-oooooooo sounded from Laura's bedroom "I thought you were helping me pack"!!!

She is slightly jealous of the attention I am receiving I think. Back to the packing then, but honestly they were so wonderful and I am so lucky to be supported by so many good friends. Thank you.